I'm going to let you in on a secret. Come closer. Closer. Okay...
shhhh! ..... here goes.... when I was six years of age, I knew what I wanted to do as a career.
As soon as my teacher, Mrs Green, told the class about creative writing and about how we could write whatever we wanted, and then set us down with some paper and pencils to quietly write whatever popped into our little minds so as she could have some quiet time involving a gin and tonic and a saucy Mills and Boon paperback, I stepped into a fantastic world from which I did not want to return. I had already discovered the magic of reading and the escapism associated with it, but here I could step into my own story and share them with the world. And it was then that I knew that I wanted to be a writer.
I told this to my mother and father, and the general response was "
that's nice dear" coupled with a pat on the head and a cookie. But the idea has never faded from my
thoughts - its what I want to do.
In the ensuing years, various people said to me "It's very hard to get published, you know. Maybe you want to
consider another career move? Perhaps a doctor? or a
Lawyer?" and I did not. I still don't. I have since expanded my
repertoire from just wanting to write fiction novels to just wanting to write. This has many advantages, the main one being that I am
slightly more likely to live somewhere other than a cardboard box.
Recently, though, I have observed a phenomenon that makes me think that the publishing industry standards must be slipping.
What phenomenon?
Twilight.
Never
heard of it? Let me sum it up.
The
Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer is being hailed as the new Harry Potter. It's about this girl named Bella who moves to Washington with her father and instantly hates everyone at school, despite the fact that they all generally seem to worship the ground she walks on. Except for Edward Cullen, who seems to hate her on sight. This is only because he is secretly in love with her, and after several angst-ridden chapters of Bella wondering why this beautiful boy doesn't kiss her feet like the rest of them, and then the two
finally talking, Bella finally comes to the painfully obvious conclusion that Edward is a Vampire.
This takes half of the first book. Then all of a sudden, it seems that Meyer realised that books are supposed to contain something called a 'plot' and Bella is being
pursued by baddie Vampires for some flimsy reason or another.
And
that's just book one.
Anyway, here I feel it is time for....
LOU SINGER-MIND'S TOP 10...things about Twilight that make me cry with mirth and/or despair on behalf of my deteriorating brain-cells.
10)
Bella Swan is a Mary-Sue. There is no avoiding it. She's popular yet
angsty and completely self absorbed, but the real kicker is that the 'writer' has made her overly clumsy. Clumsy. As if this will somehow make her more believable and/or
likable.
FUCK. OFF. It just makes you more of a predictable, whiny cow.
9)
In adding to the "Mary-Sue" aspect, she has several guys sniffing her overly-perfect arse, including one normal, perfectly nice guy and one slightly younger boy who it very obviously a
werewolf.
8)
In the second novel she cannot believe that
aforementioned boy is a
werewolf, because werewolves can't exist. Well, Vampires do, but
that's different, I guess.
7)
In second book she dumps said werewolf for Edward when she thinks he will come back.
Mmm. Great example.
6)
When she is dumped by Edward, Bella mopes. For four months. Four Months. And I
don't mean steadily gets over it like normal people, I mean that she stays in the first numbed, zombie stage of the breakup. For four. fucking.
goddamn. months. And she bitches about it. She even compares her relationship with Romeo and Juliet. To think that Meyer is
comparing herself with
Shakespeare... it would have him turning over in his grave. Hell, I'm suprised he hasn't risen and payed Meyer a visit, if not to eat her non-existant brains then at least to give her a tip or two.
5)
Since Edward dropped her, Bella hates music.
What kind of teenager
is she?? Everyone knows that pumping up the bass/
Alanis/New York Dolls/Dido/Slayer (it really depends on your taste, and if its an angry break-up or just a sad one) until the windows rattle and the local police come knocking is the first port of call for your average teen, closely followed by
ice cream and/or
bourbon. Its
therapy. All of that believability and empathy for Bella and her clumsy elephant ways has instantly gone out the window, Meyer.
4) Dream sequences. An over-abundance of DREAM SEQUENCES. Complete with the Mary-Sue-wake-up-and-gasp-with-revelation endings. It honestly makes me want to bash Bella's head into the wall over and over and over.
Stephanie Meyer has discovered a device which allows the reader to figure out whats going on.... as if it
isn't already SO BLATANTLY OBVIOUS SO A BLIND AND RETARDED CHIMP WOULD BE WONDERING WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MODERN PROSE. Whoops. Caps lock on.
Meh, I'll leave it.
3)
Where the fuck was the plot?????
A well written story has the plot woven throughout, not tacked onto the end in a nasty, cheap and ultimately mind-numbing way that smacks of "Oh wait... where do I go now... um... Ah! More vampires want her cos I'm- I mean she's - awesome! Yeah...
that'll hold over those little
SOB's...."
2)
Meyer is creating completely unrealistic expectations for the young girls who read this series, with regards to relationships. Not only is Bella completely dependant on Edward, but she does everything he tells her to, including how to feel. To cap it off, Bella decides to spend her college fund on a life endangering hobby, instead of using it to go to college and get away from a town she supposedly
despises, and getting an education where she might just realise that the entire universe does in fact not revolve around her, and that there is more to life than bonking (or not bonking, as the case may be) two dimentional underdeveloped Vampire characters. Way to go sweetheart, you're educating a whole generation of readers to revert by about fifty years or more, male and female alike.
Hate to break it to you girls, but boys are not like Edward. Some are nice. Some are bastards. Some are brave. Some are cowards. Some are beautiful. Some are butt ugly. Some are devoted. Some care more about their car. None are perfect. They will mess up, or you will. Relationships come and go. Enjoy it while you can.
Most importantly, the first guy that comes along is not necessarily 'the one,' and it's not the end of the world if things don't work out. Sure, be sad, but you need to remember the good times you had together, and have no regrets. Be realistic. DO NOT take relationship advice or expectations from a novel of any sort. You will be let down. Especially if that advice is to sit quietly and do as he says - this is not always a good idea.
Boys? Unfortunately for you, some of you may have to deal with a ton of Bella Swan/ Stephanie Meyer clones. Have fun with that.
1)
What do the vampires do when they go out into the sun?
Do they burst into flame?
No.
Do they maybe sizzle?
No.
Well, do they at least scream and yell "MY EYES!! THE POLARISING SUNGLASSES! THEY DO NOTHING!!" ??
No.
You know what they do?
They sparkle.
Yes,
that's right. They
fucking sparkle. Really
badass, no?
And a whole generation now takes that to be vampire lore, given that some of the movie trailers are beginning with the words "Everything you know about Vampires is wrong."
For the love of god people, read some
goddamn Dracula. Or, if you still want some complete brain-rotting candy, read the Anita Blake series. Its actually mostly focused on violence, guns and blood
until about book six when it makes a steady decline, but at least after that you get some bang for your buck, in more ways than one. Hell, if need be you just skip the vampire-
lyconthrope-orgy-porn and
you re finished in half the time and you can go back to reading something with substance. Like the latest edition of Hustler. Now there's some classic Literature.
Lou
PS: One of my favourite Bloggers has taken not one, but two for the team. Have a read. Love her.
First ThisThen This
